245,948 stars and a bio that just says 'none,' because Linus stopped needing a personality the moment 'hobby, won't be big' became load-bearing for civilization. Meanwhile he's still tinkering with a Brother PES converter nobody asked for. Truly a man who mastered kernels but never learned to update a README.

The notice is the joke. The post-mortem is the document: eight parts across a printed report, in your inbox in about a minute. The verdict, the body, the cause and time of death, what your first screen actually says to a stranger, the three things to cut, the one fix worth making, and a week-by-week plan for the next thirty days.
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