Paste your resume, your LinkedIn summary, or just an honest paragraph about your career. It reads it the way a stranger with forty other applications would.
"Passionate about scaling systems." "Results-driven professional." "Proven track record." These survive on resumes because nobody has ever told the person that they carry zero information. A reader skips them, which means the line was free to write and worthless to have.
The roast finds those and says what they actually communicate, which is usually that the specific version was harder to write.
The comedy, and the usefulness, live in the distance between the career you describe and the one the details show. Eight years at four companies that all folded is a story. Which story it is depends on whether you name it before the reader does.
That is the thing worth knowing before an interview, and it is exactly the thing nobody who likes you will say out loud.
Resumes carry home addresses, phone numbers and email addresses. All of those are removed before the text is read or stored. Anything that looks like a social insurance number, a social security number, a passport or a card number is refused outright rather than held for a second.
The roast works fine without them. None of it was ever the funny part.
Addresses, phone numbers, emails and dates of birth are stripped before the text is read or stored, and government or financial ID numbers cause the whole submission to be refused. Do not paste ID numbers regardless.
It roasts the work and the choices, never appearance or anything you did not choose. It is meant to be funny and then useful, not to make you feel small.
The free notice is the joke. The $3.99 autopsy ends with one concrete thing to change and the signal that tells you in thirty days whether it worked.